Saturday, May 1, 2021

Yes, we have no bananas today

As a child, I only knew cottage cheese for one thing: being the punchline of food jokes. It was the culinary version of self-flagellation, an edible penance for dieters to consume to atone for their sins. It was a key ingredient in "Nachos, Flanders' Style" (that's cucumber with cottage cheese on it).

But it wasn't something that any sane person would eat by choice.

Fast forward to a few days ago, and I'm watching a video on youtube about how to make ricotta cheese at home, and it occurs to me that ricotta cheese bears some striking resemblances to cottage cheese. As I ponder this notion, I meditate on the thought that I do quite like ricotta cheese, and given its similarities to cottage cheese, might I actually find myself enjoying it too? Might that explain why this product mysteriously remains on store shelves to this very day?

There was only one way to find out.

I traded in my usual weekly haul of honeycrisp apples for a bunch of bananas, and bought a tub of the cheese of mystery.

The recipe:

  • One banana (for scale)
  • One banana of cottage cheese (use banana for scale)
  • One healthy squeeze of liquefacted bear brains (commonly sold under the common name 'honey')
  • One healthy dusting of cinnamon (or canela molida if you're feeling fancy)
  • One unhealthy dusting of cayenne (it makes cinnamon more cinnamon)
  • One consecration of salt (to ward off evil spirits)
The preparation:

In a bowl, deposit a pillowy cloud of cottage cheese. Squeeze the blossom end of a banana to begin a tear in the peel and gain access to that tough little black nub that's always found down there. Throw out that part, nobody likes that part. Use a spoon to scoop the banana into banana coins, depositing each one in turn onto the cottage cheese, making a cash register ringing sound with each one. Slather on the bear brains, sprinkle with the spices and salt, and then take an instagram-worthy food shot.

Oh yeah, that'll get the likes and follows for sure.

The verdict: uncomfortably delicious.

Why have I not been eating cottage cheese all my life? The only logical explanation is simply that I have been deceived by a long running conspiracy perpetrated by cottage cheese lovers hell-bent on keeping their favorite delicacy under wraps for fear that if the masses caught on it would drive up the price and lead to their ruin.

Well, their uppance has come. It's time for this conspiracy to end; it's time for the veil to be lifted, the masses must know the truth that has been kept from them all their lives.

If this is the last you ever hear from me, you'll know who got me. They can't get us all. Share the knowledge with the world.

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