Bob, I hate to bring you bad news like this, but the can of Diet Pepsi that you left in my care back in 2012 has unfortunately met its bitter end. It seems as though its tough aluminum skin eventually fell victim to the cruel gnawing of the carbonic acid running through its veins, and I discovered it slowly bleeding out today.
I know there were few things in the world that meant more to you than one day being reunited with your beloved brown elixir, but once it was clear what was happening, there was no time left to summon you to its bedside to bid it farewell.
You may take solace in the fact that its life was not lost in vain, and in the end it managed to find a refreshing purpose in this cold, uncaring universe.
I suppose we shouldn't mourn its passing, though. It lived to a ripe old age and survived many challenges that were the undoing of its lesser kin.
I promise, dear 1838CA121723, that you will not be soon forgotten. You'll live on forever in our hearts.
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